A Nearly Missed Hot Mess

There’s a scene in the movie Tommy Boy where actors David Spade and Chris Farley hit a deer while en route to their next sales meeting. The car skids off into the gravel as the bludgeoned animal projects like a cannonball into the road ahead. Convinced that the deer deserves better than decomposing on the asphalt, the duo stow the carcass in the back seat of their classic Plymouth GTX convertible. The deer, however, was not dead; a fact made clear when it regains consciousness and promptly kicks its way out through the windows and convertible top. After watching this scene of devastation unfold before him, Chris Farley says with trademark gusto: “That was awesome!”

With a few alterations, something very similar played out before my eyes in Venus, Texas.

My wife, daughter and I arrived in Venus in the big white van. The rear seats were removed to make room for the new ranch inventory we were picking up: two Dorper-mix sheep. Kyle — the seller — met us when we exited the van, a mid-twenties cowboy who dripped Texas.

Boots. Check.

Cowboy hat. Check.

Long sideburns. Why not.

Then came the greeting: “Howdy, sir.” Double check for drawl and politeness.

Still, the best was yet to come.

We were able to wrangle the first sheep into the van with little trouble: A bowl of feed was all it took to lure her to the van; Kyle and I then lifted her in. She was extremely pregnant and heavy. Still, pretty manageable. This was not the case with the second sheep. We tried the dangling food bit; she showed no interest. We lined up and tried “herding” her toward the van; she sensed trouble and dashed off in the opposite direction.

Kyle was out of patience, so he reached into his Texas reserve. He retrieved a lasso from his truck. He started twirling the lasso while slowly closing the distance between himself and the sheep. The sheep meandered a bit, then suddenly took off in a sprint. Kyle released the lasso and I watched in amazement as it landed dead-on around the sheep’s neck. The sheep bucked and struggled, but Kyle reeled her in. He tackled the sheep and tied her legs together.

“That was awesome!” I exclaimed.

At the time, the Chris Farley connection didn’t register. It just seemed like the most appropriate thing to say. Kyle, though, remained nonplussed and businesslike. He called me over and I helped him carry the sheep to the van. He left the legs tied and advised to leave her like that until we arrived home. I paid and thanked him, and then we all said our goodbyes.

I got in the driver’s seat, my wife got in the front-passenger seat and my daughter camped out in the cargo area with the two nervous sheep. I drove away slowly.

We managed to go maybe 40 yards when the tied-up sheep broke free. My daughter leaped into the second row as I watched the sheep unleash a torrent of crazy in my rearview mirror. It bucked wildly, kicking windows, seatbacks and large portions of Chevrolet’s dull-gray plastic cladding. As this was happening, all I could think of was the deer scene in Tommy Boy. In my mind I saw the scene play out to its logical conclusion: A hot mess of broken glass and ripped fabric in the wake of a blood-tinged sheep darting off into the distance.

The reality, though, missed the mark. The sheep wasn’t committed enough and gave up the cause after a single cycle of fury around the cargo area. With nothing of significance to show for her efforts — no broken windows or busted-open cargo door — she settled into a stare down with my daughter for the remainder of the trip. In addition to her steely-eyed glare, the sheep would periodically stomp her front foot. It was startling at first, and we waited for some kind of follow-up. But follow-up never came; her bratty display was apparently as far forward as she was willing to take things.

And that was that.

We made it home without incident and unloaded the sheep into their new pasture. The trip didn’t end in fireworks, but we were all thankful for the less-than-epic ending. Stories, though, are more than their endings, and we can honestly say in true Chris Farley fashion that the whole experience “was awesome!”

#Dorper #sheep #cowboy #texas #hotmess